There's no better way to say this: Japanese television is fucking terrible. That's not the same as saying it's unwatchable. I can watch hours of it in a sado-masochistic trance, aghast yet somehow intrigued by the intellectual black hole swirling before me in a vortex of neon signs, bright flashing slogans, bizarre costumes and various kinds of fake hair. "But every country has some bad television." Yes I know... but what I'm trying to tell you, is that in Japan all of it is bad, and I was brought up on Neighbours and Home and Away. Now that's saying something.
Japanese television seems to consist of two main kinds of program: strange, not to mention woefully tacky, chat-show/game-show hybrids; and dramas acted so poorly it makes George Bush reading off an auto-cue look like Laurence Olivier. The first kind of show usually involves a group of about 20 guests (yes, that's right... TWENTY) reacting to the host's jokes and stories, or to various unstimulating activities. The host's job seems to be to elicit various funny comments from the guests and then add his own, often punctuated by him hitting a table with a novelty object, or saying something normal but REALLY LOUDLY SO IT MUST BE FUNNY! Sufficed to say, these shows are complete chaos and appear to be little more than a massive and overacted conversation with occasional advertisements. The focal points vary of course. Sometimes it's animals doing funny things, people proposing in overblown yet romantic ways (cue all 20 guests crying), or guests competing (who can make 20 pizza bases the quickest, or eat a glass full of ice). Usually the guests are people off the street, yet even when it's someone famous, they get dragged into performing trivial tasks and competitions.
The dramas all seem to be about late 20-somethings working in Tokyo, all of whom are involved in some kind of love-quadrangle. Cue many close ups of weeping, cute women/girls, and men with immaculate hair looking off screen at an angle that makes them look all pensive and moody. The only downside is that the acting has about as much severity as a U.S. election. Perhaps they don't want to make the aforementioned chat shows look bad, so they have to keep the quality fairly low to blend in. It's either that or period dramas always involving feuding Samurai, which in itself might be interesting, especially to foreigners wanting to learn a bit about Japan's fascinating past. However, this potential is quickly put aside in order to explore a love-quadrangle between late 20-somethings, all decked out in cheap costumes and very bad wigs/bald caps.
These two main staples are, of course, occasionally punctuated by such trivial matters as the news. However, even some news broadcasts are often blended into a chat show format, making it very difficult to know where one ends and the other begins. Often one will hear of a recent political crisis, only for the camera to pan back to the host of the previous chat show who will, with unfailing loyalty to comedic standards worldwide, hit a table or some other inanimate object with his fists... or another inanimate object.
Speaking of comedy, being a budding stand-up (I say budding; try budded, disgruntled, wilted and now lying like compost on the soil of disappointment) I can only sit back, slack-jawed as comedy's newest arch-nemesis (can you have a new arch-nemesis...? Pah, nevermind!) is proudly paraded for all to see. Worn down by the overcrowded and trivial game-chat shows, forlornificated (you can have that for free G.W.B.) by the dramas, I almost openly wept at the comedy, and they were not tears of joy.
Comedy in Japan usually goes by the name of Manzai, which always involves a double act talking very quickly, essentially exchanging quickfire gags and puns while pretending to misunderstand each other. Sufficed to say, having being brought up in a country that's given us Monty Python, Billy Connolly, and Eddie Izzard, Japan's offerings are about as funny as a list of illnesses. Manzai, coincidentally, when translated from it's Kanji characters, can take on the meaning "involuntary talent," which is quite apt for a form of entertainment that induces involuntary manslaughter.
One, two... THREE-YAAAY-EEEE
The demon cherry on this hellish cake has to be Sekai no Nabeatsu ( 世界のなべあつ）whose gift to us all is the ability to count in a funny way... and that's it. Before starting, he announces which numbers are going to be funny. So he might say "Multiples of three are going to be hilarious this time!!" Then off this moustachioed underling of the dark lord goes, counting away until he hits a multiple of three at which point he says it in a mildly eccentric fashion.To think I spent so long in Manchester and London, gradually working my way up in the stand-up comedy world with cutting material about current affairs, when I could have been getting paid to be on television in Japan... COUNTING!! I mean this guy's been doing the same act for years! I appreciate that, potentially, the amount of numbers he could count is infinite, but surely there's a limit to this guy's shelf life?
I'm sorry I left you Neighbours. All is forgiven.
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